being

nothing like a useless day to bum me out.
guess i'll be bummed out tomorrow too.

strange as it may sound, i hate weekends.

i could die now and it would be okay with me.

perhaps you're not scared of this particular species, azhar?

it would be fun to shoot for a cook book one day.
especially if the cook was someone as fun and passionate as say, jamie? heh.
mr oliver would be an interesting client i would imagine.

finally, a job that can go into my portfolio.

i'm really getting quite tired of life.
yeah i know i'm much better off than a lot of people and i should just suck it up and march on but it's just one of those bad days. i'll get over it. i just can't stop the influx of bad thoughts right now.

i'm angry, and by all accounts, it's not really the persons fault. first, she has been sort of nice to me, in relation to everyone else. secondly, the opinion she has of me, erroneous as it may be, was more or less kept to herself. but i am offended, to say the least. what am i to infer of her words then, that i am a vapid bimbo? fuck.

i wish i had better social skills. i can say all i want about being happy with a solid inner circle, but getting along with people helps you get along in life as well. it is a fact, and one that i wish was a benefit to me, but it is sadly not the case. it certainly wouldn't hurt to be someone more likable, one of those girls whom everybody loves without much or any effort at all on her part?

the truth of the matter is, i am not good enough. and there is no escaping the truth.

is it so simple as to say that i was made one way and you another?
am i wrong to say that we have the ability to strive to be better in one way or another?
how about that i believe that it is a choice you make and you decide on the quality of your life?
i know i am right.
but is it universally right?
how do you counter someone who simply believes that we are all made differently and can never change?

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

william ernest henley

does the idea of being one with the earth not entice everybody the way it entices me? not just to understand its makings or ways but to feel it rushing through your veins and out your lungs?
perhaps i don't know what it feels like to have my mind and heart completely open to something, after all we only use a minute fraction of our brains and we hide a large portion of our hearts.
or maybe it is the certainty in which they know their god. it is not a mere fairy tale or story told and retold to a point beyond recognition. it exists to them in the ground they tread upon and in the air they breathe.
something tells me that if we were to be a part of something so complete as that, there would be no place for the desire for that something more that so plagues our world.

we draw dangerously near to the time when we will burn.

two for joy says: (21:33:38)
do you want to do laps tmr?
justsayrachel@gmail.com says: (21:33:49)
!!! no!
two for joy says: (21:33:53)
heh
two for joy says: (21:33:59)
i mean in the pool
two for joy says: (21:34:03)
not on land
justsayrachel@gmail.com says: (21:34:04)
I was thinking a nice hot day in the pool with a good book
two for joy says: (21:34:08)
okay
two for joy says: (21:34:14)
do you want to watch me do laps then?
justsayrachel@gmail.com says: (21:34:15)
we'll exercise our minds
justsayrachel@gmail.com says: (21:34:17)
what
two for joy says: (21:34:19)
wahahhahaha
justsayrachel@gmail.com says: (21:34:21)
that'll make me feel
justsayrachel@gmail.com says: (21:34:27)
okay sure
justsayrachel@gmail.com says: (21:34:30)
i can watch you do laps
two for joy says: (21:34:49)
this is going into my blog

"Oh no, my chest is freezing and my arms are burning up." Said the German, quoting some fella named Dane Cook.
I laughed.

they say that when you grow up you will be just like them. and they say that you will always say i will never be like them. but you do anyway.
i won't, just watch.

i need to get away from here. will you come with me?

it is like a mist that dissipates when grasped.
a castle lost in the breeze.
its sandy foundations swept away by mere fancy.
the whims of mother nature are torrential and fickle.

it is simply because the wind wishes it,
and so it will be.

i miss the sounds of an empty house. where there are no eyes to follow you. no unwanted opinions forced upon. the comfort of being amongst the things that were carefully chosen by your own hand. a medley of possessions and passions that come together to complement. the throb of silence in ones ear drums, the echo of thought. the stillness of being, the carefree linen. and the certainty of what greets you from the uncertainty of the great outdoors.

i wrote a good omelet

i wrote a good omelet...and ate
a hot poem... after loving you

buttoned my car...and drove my
coat home...in the rain...
after loving you

i goed on red...and stopped on
green...floating somewhere in between...
being here and being there...
after loving you

i rolled my bed...turned down
my hair...slightly
confused but...I don't care...

laid out my teeth...and gargled my
gown...then I stood
...and laid me down...

to sleep...
after loving you

nikki giovanni

from heikal, by heikal, mostly.
WE LOVE PHOTOJOURN! (:

Life's pretty good!
With the exception of fizah, everyone seems to be a whole lot busier than me.
But fizah is my consolation!
I somehow can't wait for school to be over even though we just began.
It'll be quite sad for everyone to go their own way though.
Another chapter of our lives that is coming to a close.
I don't think any of us expected it to be so quick.
And as far as I see, everyone's still in shock that we're year 3!
Just a little more than 3 months and we'll be grad students.
Amazing!

ergh, such patriotism.
(can you guess there are a lot of girls in this home?
and no it is not my home...)

but home is where I will be for the holidays it appears.
four more days and we will know our electives posting ):
I can only cross my fingers and hope they will rearrange the timetable slightly.
I'd be really happy if I get print, photo and radio pro as my combi.

As for now,
I will passively job hunt,
think about the low f&b pay discontentedly,
lie in bed,
watch little miss sunshine,
eat pringles and drink ribena.
Oh, and dream about all the things I need/want/aspire to do with absolutely no money at all.

Meh.